[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
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As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
PLEASE READ
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.