Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
You Might Also Like
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Lmfaoooooo
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.