Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
A wise man once said nothing.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”