@fillthevacuum

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

- @fillthevacuum

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@edamamiiiii

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@WilliamAder

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

@anerdonfire2

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@KeetPotato

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

@Gupton68

The 5 most important things to teach my kids:

1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count

@hellohappy_time

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese