@jonnysun

*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

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@a_simpl_man

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

@ewfeez

If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.

@dumbbeezie

We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends

@mommajessiec

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

@GrantTanaka

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Mom?

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

@pegobry

There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.

@SteveSuckington

If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.

@LowIifee

normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.