*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK

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Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are


If u want to get out of a conversation in public just say “I’ve gotta take this” then steal the nearest for-sale item and get arrested.


We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends


Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.


the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy


5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?

Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.



5-year-old: Mom?


DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.


There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.


If you tell me I can only have sex with your sister over your dead body,
your funeral is going to be awkward for some of your family.


normal person: 7+6= 13

me: if 7+7 is 14 & 6 is one less than 7 then 7+6 must be 13.