@TheTweetOfGod

Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.

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@ch000ch

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

@dreamthievin

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

@Parkerlawyer

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

@prontopup

What the hell is this REstraining Order?!? I never even got a Straining Order? I’m gonna go over to her house and sort this out.

@sam_kriss

in marvel’s DEFENDERS, our heroes must combine their powers – being good at punching, punching people well, having strong punches, good punc

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@SaveItForFest

You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.

@pleatedjeans

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT