I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.
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Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!
Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
How to get laid:
Step 1: Be an egg
Step 2: That’s literally it
If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.
The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her