@TheTweetOfGod

Being wrong is most effective when done loudly.

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@lovemydogduck

I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@khook32

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away!

Well grandma, that’s how organ donation works.

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

@Reverend_Scott

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

@vladsavov

The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It’s like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.

@Keefler_Elf

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her