thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
You Might Also Like
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.