My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
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If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me