@Bob_Janke

Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.

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@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Witches Coven named “Wiccan Awesome” located in the Boston area, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”

@meganamram

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

@MelKassel

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

@maughammom

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

@caithuls

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

@AndySandford

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

@murrman5

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me