@MikeBigby

*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

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@mom_tho

Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?

Me:

H:

Me:

H: …you look great

@JermHimselfish

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”

@yoiain

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

@protolalia

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

@MaraWilson

Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator

@Goofpoops

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

@Sassafrantz

[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.

@Cpin42

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

@dadanddisorderl

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.