*Belle falls in love with Beast*

Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!

*Belle speaks to furniture*

Everyone: this is fine

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Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?




H: …you look great


I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”


you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye


If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…


[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.


12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.


My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.


I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.