*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
🏙👨🏼
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.