BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

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Me: are you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?


Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.


Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.


cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55


pronouncing “lootcrates” like a greek philosopher just to stress out gamers


*At the bank


Me:Looks like a gun


M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier

Teller:He’s got a point


Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.



If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.


The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.