@Monicake0128
Me: are you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
@Reverend_Scott
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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@Monicake0128
@shariv67
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
@mommy_cusses
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
@StaunchA
Taliband
@daemonic3
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
@coff33detective
pronouncing “lootcrates” like a greek philosopher just to stress out gamers
@better_off_dad
*At the bank
Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP!
Me:Looks like a gun
R:SHUT UP!
M:Well, ‘THIS IS A GUN’ is way scarier
Teller:He’s got a point
@KizerBillhelm
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
@toiletrapist
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.
@AmyLouise84D
The only problem with being independent is I have to do everything myself.