BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today