[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
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The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: [unsure about my hair]
Hairdresser: So, what do you think?
Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
*crowd goes wild*