BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
You Might Also Like
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.