@AndrewNadeau0

BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?

BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?

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@FSUSteve

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

@IvyelleWright

This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths

@Kyle_Lippert

EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy

@UncleDuke1969

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

@GrandadJFreeman

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

@bestestname

My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.

@Gooooats

By this time of year baby Jesus was probably already totally sick of playing with his frankincense.

@sock_holliday

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory