BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Cats are still liquid.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: