2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“feed the cat”
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore
“fatten the beast”
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due