BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Brb my Sims are getting married
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Discuss
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked