@ohheyohhihello

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

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@CocoJr

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

@iamspacegirl

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

@tsm560

This is the internet. Everybody tells the truth.

@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

@stevevsninjas

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

@EndhooS

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

@dance_blessed

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

@WinningByARose

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

@sofarrsogud

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

@no_el_la

“feed the cat”

– boring
– oversimplifies the dynamic
– sounds like a chore

“fatten the beast”

– interesting
– pleasing to the ear
– gives power where power is due