@ElleOhHell

BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered

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@jjhartinger

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

@Robski_Boy

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

@cbme69

What man can make three meals and snacks out of one fish all day? I call bullshit!

@Tryptofantastic

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

@actualhuman01

[department store]

me: excuse me sir this mirror is wrong, my mom told me i was handsome

@maisonshouting

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

@Darlainky

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

@SamuelHLowe

– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.

@RexHuppke

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure