Shoo shoo! 😂
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Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.