@DanMentos

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

You Might Also Like

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@SouthernMama74

8:Mommy you seem sad. What’s wrong?

Awe, sweetie. It’s just grown up stuff. I’ll be fine.

8: Is it me? Daddy? Did we do something?

No baby! love you. And daddy. We are great!

8: Is is taxes? Its clearly taxes

@TodaysResume

Include a snapshot of Doge the dog with your #resume. When asked about it during the interview, reply “What do you meme?”

@RexRizzo

Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”

Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”

@withanewname

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

@iwearaonesie

me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@RandiLawson

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.