We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.