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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…


I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.


My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.


Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.


HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.


I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous


[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*


My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison


My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.


I love that the boat is stuck because every other piece of global news is so hard to comprehend or explain.

The boat? It’s just stuck. Stuff won’t go. Boat needs to be not stuck. That’s it.