Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.
He hated bratwurst.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.
The more you know.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
(Flintstones theme song)
they’re a teenage mutant family
they’re about to save new york city
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!