Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

You Might Also Like


[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.


Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.

The more you know.


me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no


(Flintstones theme song)
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city


Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.


My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!


*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist


Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.