@dadjokehansolo

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

[at BBQ]

Wow…trying to wrap my mouth around this bratwurst reminds me of my first high school boyfriend.

He hated bratwurst.

@McClaneJohn2

Apparently if you eat really quick your Fitbit thinks you’re running.

The more you know.

@PhriendlyCody

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

@CornOnTheGoblin

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

@_Water_Baby

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

@LizerReal

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

@sixfootcandy

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.