Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Netflix and awkward silence?
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.