@stayfrea_

Benadryl smart as hell. U cant have allergies when u asleep for 7 hours

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@erica_rosie

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

@heyitsJudeD

I went out today

There were people there

0 out of 5 stars, wouldn’t recommend

@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@BigJDubz

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

@Schmoodles

Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.

@EliTerry

I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?