“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.