Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
They’re not wrong