[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[canadians at you, canadianly]
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Discuss
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
My zodiac sign is pistachio
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.