(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
ME: bae, you wanna go out?
HER: hell yeah 😊
ME: ok pliz close the door on your way out I need to play FIFA alone.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!
PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.