Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Sheep
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
all bases covered
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.