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@dafloydsta: Benefits of dating me:
1. You're the smart one
@lazerdoov: "Be cool, it's the cops" I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
@yoyoha: How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything's going to be alright
@ehdannyboy: I think I might have a shower.
Yes, I have a shower.
@Reverend_Scott: [first date]
ME: Don't let her know you're a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.