Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice