Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
You Might Also Like
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
what does he know…
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family