Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.


[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?


Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”

Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”


“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs


Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”


Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Roommate: Yeah, normal people call that cinnamon.


Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.


Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.