In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
This probably isn’t good
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Match dot com, but for socks.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married