Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

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• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.


Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?


You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.


ME: i don’t trust salesmen
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut


Mechanic: when was the last time you had work done on this car?

Me: oh god, I have no clue, let me think…

Mechanic: it’s ok, no pressure

My tires: 🙁


Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.


THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.


[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable


Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.