Some people follow their dreams, I follow lunatics on the internet.
Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.
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Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
“Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers.”
“What about my atm card which holds all my money?”
“Any 4 numbers in a row.”
My boyfriend recently called me his woman
And now we’re living in the jungle, wearing deer skin and hunting for food
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Duct tape can’t fix stupidity, but it can muffle it.