@Swain_Train47

Bernie Sanders was going to do a parody of Trump’s slogan for his campaign but “Make America Bern Again” didn’t go over well with marketing.

You Might Also Like

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@AaronFullerton

Did you know you can actually WIN Instagram by taking a picture of your feet next to your dinner at sunset?

@jellybnbonanza

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

@Chumpstring

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

@sweetmomissa

Mechanic: when was the last time you had work done on this car?

Me: oh god, I have no clue, let me think…

Mechanic: it’s ok, no pressure

My tires: 🙁

@WGladstone

Just realized Franz Kafka was a lawyer so he was Kafka, esq.

@Jake_Vig

THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.

ME: As planned.

@adult_mom

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

@MKupperman

Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.