I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You Might Also Like
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster