Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?
her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name
me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182
The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost
Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It’s simple meth.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought