@50FirstTates

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

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@LindzThoughts

Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called ” The uncomfortable Sausage”

@notviking

her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?

her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name

me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182

@McNevich

The only way I’m listening to a voicemail is if I think the pizza guy is lost

@JustDontBugMe

Pizza: *screaming* BUT DOES ANYONE CARE WHAT I’D LIKE TO HAVE ON TOP OF ME!?

@Traceylei2

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

@petedavidson

Professor Snape caught Harry in the hall after dark and out of NOWHERE Lupin pops out in the hallway to save him. COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT

@JohnJSalomone

I love when pets sigh like a human. It’s like. Oh? Are you stressed? Did you work today? Just laid around did nothing and ate food ? That’s what I thought