@ThaJawn

Best Buy: *opens first store

Good Buy: We should have seen this coming

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@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@fuzzlime

every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@dafloydsta

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

@turdfailure

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

@d_whitehouse

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@SondraDeeMe

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

@Thedudish

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.