[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
Best Buy: *opens first store
Good Buy: We should have seen this coming
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.