Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
that wasn’t the question
decorating my apartment
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here