Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
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*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
mathematically impossible
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what