Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I think we should hear other voices.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾