BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
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Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!