best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.