Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭