Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
You Might Also Like
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Monday
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“What?”
– Jude
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.