Best misinterpreted text ever!
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The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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Expectations vs. Reality
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me