@Mr_Mike_Clarke

Best misinterpreted text ever!

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@tastefactory

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

@squirrel74wkgn

Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.

[8 months later]

Ok, I’m back.

@kumailn

You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?

@mstluvstrinkets

Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.

Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter

@andlikelaura

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

@ben_rosen

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop

@kimlockhartga

Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.