A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
You think Japanese teenagers are shocked the first time they see a real live naked woman & it’s not all pixelated looking down there?
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Her: I’m running a little late.
M: how many more seconds er I mean yeah sure take your time.
Me, trying to play it cool with the babysitter
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I said good day, Sir!