Best mom ever 😂
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Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
I’d … I’d rather not.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A