Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
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whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]