If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
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Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I’m so old that I was the tv remote when I was a kid
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
Q: Will you get naked?
*Leaves home for the day…
*Fears I left something behind
*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.
*Grabs phone & leaves.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?