Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

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I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.


Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.


From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.


When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.


I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.


I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.