I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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Don’t run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.