Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
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What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
The 6 types of sex
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Just grow your own
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear