Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

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My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”


Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you “grocery store checkout line” love them


[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”


Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.


Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that


“So did you get lucky last night?”
You better believe it!
[flashback to me making all green lights omw home after girl refused to kiss me]


*Leaves home for the day…

*Fears I left something behind

*Runs inside to see baby playing with my phone.

*Grabs phone & leaves.


Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey


Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️