@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

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@DaddyJew

My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.

@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@HatfieldAnne

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

@InternetHippo

[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”

@BuckyIsotope

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

@TheCatWhisprer

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

@GermanFreckles

*enter password*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*wrong*

*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*

@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”