My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*new password can’t be the same as old password*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”