Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

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My son just looked at his best friend of 5 years and said “hey you” because he temporarily forgot his name and I’ve never felt closer to him.


I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity


To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it


*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*


[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”


KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?


The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.


*enter password*




*reset password*

*new password can’t be the same as old password*


Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like


[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”