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I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
welp
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’ve had relationships like this
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!