Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
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One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.