Best spoiler warning ever
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Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Canada has crack?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time