my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate