Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

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BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired


[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.


An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”


How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?


Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”


I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.


I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.


*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?


On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’