2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
“I’m not racist, but,” -Racists
My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.