@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

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@Home_Halfway

BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired

@SardonicTart

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

@CYComedy

An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”

@wife3kidsnodogs

How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?

@JohnHilsen

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

@caribbeanaj

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

@WheelTod

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

@LeBearGirdle

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

@MortifiedMama

On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’