Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”