@GrantTanaka

Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you

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@ThisOneSayz

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

@offbeatoliv

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

@moonstruckinnyc

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

@TheDairylandDon

If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

@junejuly12

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

@broken_rhi

My son just handed me a note while I was talking on the phone that read “gossip=sin” so anyways I just got owned by a 15 year old.