BOSS: Okay, let’s do this. What names are you pitching?
COWORKER: Hannah Montana
ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts
BOSS: Michael you’re fired
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
An upscale Asian restaurant called “Suit and Thai.”
How come an extremely angry woman can pack everything she owns in an hour,
but it takes her a week to pack for vacation?
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with ‘unsubscribe’