best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.