best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

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When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.


Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down


I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.


Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.


“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event


Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.


I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.


(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.


*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?