@TheZachCozad
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
@nathankmusic
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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@TheZachCozad
@elle91
Looking at you, Jesus.
@WritePlay
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
@ImSoFrancis
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
@TigNotaro
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
@truegritrumble
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
@RSun82
Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand
@Jake_Vig
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
