@nathankmusic

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

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@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@InternetHippo

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

@JohnLyonTweets

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@BGH70

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

@LostFelicia

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

@karanbirtinna

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

@VeganZebra

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?