Best thing I’ve seen on Facebook all day: “I thought Ariana Grande was a font.”

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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.


“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”


Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.


Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.


Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes


If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules


When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready



*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.