[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Best things to pull:
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
[School band tryouts]
ME: They say I have perfect pitch
TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got
*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese
Barack: Joe please
Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN
Barack: I swear to God
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.
Which is why I eat well-loved children.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this