@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

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@Sanbel11

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

@shutupmikeginn

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

@TheToddWilliams

[School band tryouts]

ME: They say I have perfect pitch

TEACHER: Oh really? Show us what you got

*I throw a baseball right into the tuba*

@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@sameverlark_

Joe: Hey Barack, why does Trump wanna ban preshredded cheese
Barack: Joe please
Joe: TO MAKE AMERICA GRATE AGAIN
Barack: I swear to God

@dafloydsta

[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@ThugRaccoons

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

@DrakeGatsby

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this