@TheBoydP

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

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@JediGigi

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

@neiltyson

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

@BlindVigil

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

@sonictyrant

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

@SarcasticCharm

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

@jonni_howard

“Your storage is full” thanks Apple, I’ll just go and delete some photos of friends and family, but at least I’ll always have the stocks app

@FredTaming

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

@heatherlou_

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

@LackOfShame

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

@markleggett

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. These are the five stages of learning that Ben Affleck is the new Batman.