Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?